0:00:09.42 - 0:00:11.42[mysterious music plays]
0:00:17.75 - 0:00:19.58[chuckles] Nice.
0:00:19.67 - 0:00:21.25[melancholy music plays]
0:00:26.54 - 0:00:28.67[groans] Why won't Ron text me back?
0:00:28.75 - 0:00:32.58Reagan, like I said to Bush after 9/11,
you gotta wait this thing out.
0:00:32.67 - 0:00:34.63Diggity dope morning, bro-workers.
0:00:34.71 - 0:00:38.33Question, if you guys had one wish,
what would it be?
0:00:38.42 - 0:00:39.63More Simpsons porn.
0:00:39.71 - 0:00:41.79That's right. I'm the one person
who likes that.
0:00:41.88 - 0:00:44.92You're wondering who's that for?
It's me! Guys like me.
0:00:45.00 - 0:00:46.50Disturbing. And no!
0:00:52.58 - 0:00:55.83Bruh, I'm not really in the mood
for a big team hang right now.
0:00:55.92 - 0:00:57.79I may have just lost the love of my life
0:01:01.79 - 0:01:03.42-Yikes!
-Coffee break!
0:01:03.50 - 0:01:06.17I never thought I'd go from Harvard
to serving coffee,
0:01:06.25 - 0:01:09.38but what the fuck is that!?
0:01:09.46 - 0:01:11.42Just an action-packed adventure.
0:01:11.50 - 0:01:13.46Fun for ages six to six and a half.
0:01:13.54 - 0:01:16.25Oh no, this is bad. This is very bad!
0:01:16.75 - 0:01:18.88The movie? Yeah, but it's like good bad.
0:01:18.96 - 0:01:21.58No, you idiot.
There's no such movie as Shazaam.
0:01:21.67 - 0:01:24.00It was called Kazaam with a "Kuh,"
0:01:24.08 - 0:01:26.79and it starred Shaq,
the Sinbad of basketball.
0:01:27.58 - 0:01:29.88-That can't be right.
-I remember a movie Shazaam.
0:01:29.96 - 0:01:30.79I know I saw it.
0:01:30.88 - 0:01:32.08You think you remember it
0:01:32.17 - 0:01:35.04because the fabric of space-time
has been tampered with!
0:01:35.13 - 0:01:36.75We've entered a parallel timeline.
0:01:36.83 - 0:01:39.88Quick! Tattoo everything you know
about yourselves on your bodies!
0:01:40.46 - 0:01:42.21-[Myc] Oh my God.
-Shit!
0:01:42.29 - 0:01:45.96-That's kind of working for you though.
-Here's proof of the prime timeline.
0:01:46.04 - 0:01:47.21This means one thing.
0:01:47.29 - 0:01:49.63Rand's unearthed Project Reboot.
0:01:49.71 - 0:01:51.92The universe is at risk
unless we stop him!
0:01:55.75 - 0:01:57.29-[yelling]
-What's happening?
0:01:57.38 - 0:01:58.21Tattoo guns?
0:01:58.29 - 0:02:00.13Oh God, this is an emergency!
0:02:02.46 - 0:02:03.46[all] Reagan!
0:02:03.54 - 0:02:05.38[upbeat music plays]
0:02:26.25 - 0:02:28.75J.R., the only way
my dad manipulates reality
0:02:28.83 - 0:02:31.08is with vodka and Korean boner pills.
0:02:31.17 - 0:02:33.25You're misremembering
the name of the movie.
0:02:33.33 - 0:02:35.00No one has seen Rand for days.
0:02:35.08 - 0:02:38.46He could be passed out in his office,
or it could be much worse.
0:02:38.54 - 0:02:40.00-[all gasp]
-[Gigi] Oh, Lord!
0:02:43.54 - 0:02:46.00He's gone AWOL in the damn head.
0:02:46.08 - 0:02:49.25Okay, this is more Howard Hughes
than I would have thought.
0:02:49.33 - 0:02:52.58What's Project Reboot,
and where the hell is my dad?
0:02:52.67 - 0:02:55.42[sighs] I feared this day would come.
0:02:56.00 - 0:02:58.33It all began years ago.
0:02:58.42 - 0:03:01.63Also, do you want like a T-shirt
or like a… like a large towel?
0:03:01.71 - 0:03:06.58It all began years ago in college
at Harvard. Tap, tap.
0:03:06.67 - 0:03:07.50[groaning]
0:03:07.58 - 0:03:09.21We get it. You went to Harvard.
0:03:12.00 - 0:03:14.25and your dad arrived
with an attitude problem.
0:03:17.54 - 0:03:19.58You really need two tuxedos?
0:03:19.67 - 0:03:21.21It's called class.
0:03:28.92 - 0:03:32.04and I hated him
because he was an abrasive asshole.
0:03:33.21 - 0:03:34.79Oh! [growls]
0:03:34.88 - 0:03:38.00I told you,
this beer is for the Harvard Lampoon!
0:03:38.08 - 0:03:40.25They control comedy for some reason.
0:03:40.33 - 0:03:42.25[Rand] So buy more
with Daddy's credit card.
0:03:42.33 - 0:03:45.13I'm trying to build a perv bot
to spy on that sorority.
0:03:45.92 - 0:03:48.50[J.R.] I'm intrigued,
but isn't that a little creepy?
0:03:48.58 - 0:03:50.42Oh yeah, majorly.
0:03:50.50 - 0:03:53.71But in the late '70s,
this is considered lightheartedly comedic.
0:03:53.79 - 0:03:56.50-[knocking on door]
-[man] I heard the word beer in there.
0:03:56.58 - 0:03:58.42That makes me think there's beer in there!
0:03:58.50 - 0:04:00.88Shit, the RA. Stall him.
0:04:00.96 - 0:04:02.42[tense music plays]
0:04:02.50 - 0:04:06.75Doug, wow, you're looking fit these days.
You've been pumping iron?
0:04:10.54 - 0:04:11.38Hm.
0:04:11.88 - 0:04:15.33[J.R.] Although we hated each other,
we realized when two people
0:04:15.42 - 0:04:20.13with enormous egos
and really weird-shaped dicks join forces,
0:04:20.21 - 0:04:21.42anything is possible.
0:04:21.50 - 0:04:23.58We decided to go into business together.
0:04:33.83 - 0:04:35.83[jaunty scat music playing]
0:04:45.17 - 0:04:46.33[Doug yells]
0:04:47.17 - 0:04:48.00[Doug groans]
0:04:48.08 - 0:04:49.71[jaunty music continues]
0:04:59.63 - 0:05:02.63I'm calling this a success.
It buried itself.
0:05:02.71 - 0:05:06.92[J.R.] Finally, we came up with something
that would put us on the map forever.
0:05:11.25 - 0:05:15.25You've actually done it. A time machine!
Want to explain how it works?
0:05:15.33 - 0:05:16.17Nope.
0:05:16.25 - 0:05:19.04Good enough for me.
Let's fire this bad boy up!
0:05:19.13 - 0:05:21.08Throw on this tinfoil hat to be safe.
0:05:21.17 - 0:05:22.50Seriously, tinfoil?
0:05:22.58 - 0:05:24.58The chrono-resistant properties
of aluminum
0:05:24.67 - 0:05:28.33allow it to preserve the freshness
of casseroles and space-time.
0:05:28.42 - 0:05:31.92But sure, keep it off if you want to risk
permanent timeline alterations.
0:05:32.00 - 0:05:32.83Huh.
0:05:32.92 - 0:05:37.00All right. Here we go. Three, two, one.
0:05:37.08 - 0:05:38.13[machine whirs]
0:05:38.21 - 0:05:40.21[dramatic music plays]
0:05:40.29 - 0:05:42.88[electricity crackles]
0:05:43.46 - 0:05:44.71[Rand groans]
0:05:44.79 - 0:05:46.25Did we travel back in time?
0:05:49.67 - 0:05:52.29[gasps] Ah, shit! Your face is naked.
0:05:52.38 - 0:05:53.92Your horrible mustache is gone!
0:05:54.92 - 0:05:58.25-What the hell?
-[gasps] And there's only one moon.
0:05:59.17 - 0:06:01.25[Reagan] Wait, what the fuck? One moon?
0:06:01.33 - 0:06:04.04Oh yeah, minor thing.
There used to be two moons.
0:06:04.13 - 0:06:07.29Surfing was way more fun
in the old timeline. [chuckles]
0:06:07.38 - 0:06:09.67Menstrual cycles were hell though.
0:06:09.75 - 0:06:11.17Don't you see what this means?
0:06:11.25 - 0:06:12.54Project Reboot worked!
0:06:12.63 - 0:06:14.58Not as a time machine, but it worked!
0:06:14.67 - 0:06:17.42The machine created
random changes to the present
0:06:17.50 - 0:06:19.33by altering small events in the past.
0:06:19.42 - 0:06:23.21Now we're in timeline "B"
where I have no mustache,
0:06:23.29 - 0:06:24.38there's only one moon,
0:06:27.46 - 0:06:30.63Look, Christian bears aside,
is this gonna make us any money?
0:06:30.71 - 0:06:31.96You're worried about money?
0:06:32.04 - 0:06:33.88This machine alters reality itself.
0:06:33.96 - 0:06:36.46If we could perfect it,
we could become gods,
0:06:36.54 - 0:06:37.63and no one could stop--
0:06:37.71 - 0:06:38.79[both yell]
0:06:39.92 - 0:06:42.21[ominous choral music plays]
0:06:47.88 - 0:06:52.67-Agh! No, I'm too rich to die!
-If you're gonna kill us, do it quick.
0:06:52.75 - 0:06:55.58I want to spend as little of my life
in this building as possible.
0:06:55.67 - 0:06:57.42[Robe 1] Your machine is tampering
0:06:57.50 - 0:07:01.08with unholy godlike forces
not meant for man.
0:07:01.58 - 0:07:03.04That's our job.
0:07:03.13 - 0:07:05.54Who the hell are you
Dorito-headed dipshits?
0:07:05.63 - 0:07:08.50[Robe 1] We are the power
behind all things.
0:07:08.58 - 0:07:10.58The true rulers of the world,
0:07:10.67 - 0:07:12.75but our ancient ways have gotten…
0:07:12.83 - 0:07:13.67[man groans]
0:07:14.38 - 0:07:15.83[Robe 1] …a bit out of date.
0:07:15.92 - 0:07:17.79We need help modernizing.
0:07:17.88 - 0:07:19.88Wait, you want to give us a job?
0:07:19.96 - 0:07:22.17[Robe 1] Your innovation and daring
have impressed us.
0:07:22.25 - 0:07:25.29We ask only
that you dismantle Project Reboot.
0:07:25.38 - 0:07:28.67In exchange, we will hire you
to create a shadow company
0:07:28.75 - 0:07:30.88using your technological wizardry.
0:07:30.96 - 0:07:36.04We will grant you the power
to control the world on our behalf.
0:07:36.13 - 0:07:38.17[suspenseful music plays]
0:07:44.63 - 0:07:47.13Ah, my old evidence-burying shovel.
0:07:47.21 - 0:07:49.13Tonight, we dance again.
0:07:49.21 - 0:07:52.58Rand, we don't know who these guys are
or the true extent of their powers.
0:07:52.67 - 0:07:55.17We should not go behind their backs
and fuck with them.
0:07:55.25 - 0:07:58.29That's why we need this machine
as an insurance policy.
0:07:58.38 - 0:08:00.38Trust me. You'll thank me one day.
0:08:00.46 - 0:08:02.29[tense music plays]
0:08:10.38 - 0:08:12.08An inspirational story.
0:08:17.63 - 0:08:18.67Until now.
0:08:18.75 - 0:08:22.58Rand must have started up the machine
and reality itself is in danger.
0:08:22.67 - 0:08:24.13Very Christopher Nolan,
0:08:24.21 - 0:08:25.83in that I don't understand it
0:08:25.92 - 0:08:27.75and it gets worse
the more questions you ask.
0:08:27.83 - 0:08:32.38Jesus, there is nothing my dad can't ruin.
This is what you guys wanted, right?
0:08:32.46 - 0:08:35.33Vodka water coolers
and cosmic annihilation.
0:08:35.42 - 0:08:37.38I told you guys he'd be the end of us all.
0:08:37.46 - 0:08:39.63But Rand is finally
in charge of the company.
0:08:39.71 - 0:08:41.83Why would he choose now to go postal-er?
0:08:41.92 - 0:08:42.92The Robes.
0:08:43.00 - 0:08:46.50He must be in danger of losing his job
and he's trying to get it back.
0:08:47.21 - 0:08:48.29What are you doing?
0:08:48.38 - 0:08:50.83Scanning our brains
to preserve our current memories.
0:08:50.92 - 0:08:54.58I have a feeling
things are about to get pretty convoluted.
0:08:58.58 - 0:09:03.00We got to find Project Reboot
and stop Rand from destroying reality.
0:09:04.33 - 0:09:06.67Hey, Alpha-Beta. I got a job for you.
0:09:06.75 - 0:09:08.54Really? Am I part of the group now?
0:09:08.63 - 0:09:10.79We're gonna need
a better way to track timeline changes
0:09:10.88 - 0:09:12.54than giving each other face tattoos.
0:09:19.13 - 0:09:20.67-[electricity crackles]
-[all yell]
0:09:21.29 - 0:09:22.13[all gasp]
0:09:22.79 - 0:09:24.33[Myc] What the shit happened to Andre?
0:09:24.42 - 0:09:26.17Rand must have used the machine again.
0:09:26.25 - 0:09:29.50We're now in Timeline 1D,
where Andre may or may not exist,
0:09:29.58 - 0:09:31.17footballs are cube-shaped,
0:09:31.25 - 0:09:33.58and Brett's movie starred a whale,
apparently.
0:09:33.67 - 0:09:34.50[gasps]
0:09:37.54 - 0:09:39.33J.R., fire up the van.
0:09:42.46 - 0:09:44.29[tires screech]
0:09:45.38 - 0:09:48.83Oh, sorry. I haven't driven myself
since the Carter Administration.
0:09:48.92 - 0:09:50.92-Uh, are you gonna put on a shirt?
-Yeah.
0:09:51.00 - 0:09:52.75-It's very distracting.
-[Myc] Put it away!
0:09:52.83 - 0:09:54.79[laughs] No.
0:09:54.88 - 0:09:55.88[Myc] Shotgun!
0:09:55.96 - 0:09:58.63Also, we're listening to my podcast
on the way.
0:10:02.46 - 0:10:04.58Okay, no response yet,
0:10:04.67 - 0:10:08.50but at least in this version
of the apocalypse we're still dating.
0:10:09.04 - 0:10:12.33[Myc] Today, we have on friend of the pod,
Elon Musk,
0:10:12.42 - 0:10:14.63who I kidnapped and tied to a chair.
0:10:14.71 - 0:10:15.54Say hi, Elon.
0:10:15.63 - 0:10:17.67-[muffled screaming]
-[Myc chuckles]
0:10:17.75 - 0:10:19.21[Myc] God, our banter's electric.
0:10:19.29 - 0:10:23.54Okay, according to J.R.'s body, that I'm
still having confusing feelings about,
0:10:23.63 - 0:10:26.54this is where the machine is hidden
with your dad.
0:10:26.63 - 0:10:27.50What are you doing?
0:10:27.58 - 0:10:29.58Turning you into a reality scanner.
0:10:29.67 - 0:10:32.25This is insulting, Reagan.
I look like a Teletubby!
0:10:32.33 - 0:10:33.79[chuckles] No, you don't.
0:10:34.63 - 0:10:36.63Now we can use
the power of your tummy screen…
0:10:36.71 - 0:10:37.67Don't call it that.
0:10:37.75 - 0:10:39.50…and find out what happened to Andre.
0:10:39.58 - 0:10:41.96Look away. This might be gruesome.
0:10:44.71 - 0:10:48.71Ah, I've freshly dropped out of college
and stolen this robe.
0:10:52.50 - 0:10:54.00Hello there, whippersnapper.
0:10:54.08 - 0:10:57.71Would you be interested in joining
a covert shadow organization?
0:10:57.79 - 0:10:59.08Well, sure, I…
0:10:59.88 - 0:11:03.38Whoa, a dollar!
I'm gonna buy a lotto ticket.
0:11:03.96 - 0:11:08.71Lemon, lemon. Y-Y-Yes!
Fuck, yes! I'm a millionaire. [laughs]
0:11:08.79 - 0:11:11.38Okay, so good. He won the lottery.
0:11:11.46 - 0:11:15.00Now he's America's favorite TV doctor!
0:11:15.08 - 0:11:18.71[laughs] In my medical opinion,
this guy's a freak!
0:11:18.79 - 0:11:20.04Let's party, bro!
0:11:20.13 - 0:11:23.04Uh, I thought
I was gonna get medical advice.
0:11:23.75 - 0:11:26.67[laughs] My life could not be
any better right now!
0:11:26.75 - 0:11:28.71I would change nothing. [laughs]
0:11:28.79 - 0:11:32.00Wow, universe 1D is treating Andre right.
0:11:32.08 - 0:11:33.29The team will be relieved.
0:11:33.38 - 0:11:36.21Wait, maybe we should
keep this to ourselves.
0:11:36.29 - 0:11:38.46These guys tend to get easily distracted.
0:11:38.54 - 0:11:40.04If they knew Andre was okay,
0:11:40.13 - 0:11:43.63they might flake out on the mission
and start pursuing their own side plots.
0:11:43.71 - 0:11:46.88They wouldn't
when the fate of the world is at… Huh.
0:11:46.96 - 0:11:49.00The fate of the world is at stake!
0:11:49.08 - 0:11:50.71-I have a thing.
-[Myc] We're out of time.
0:11:50.79 - 0:11:51.96-Rain check.
-So dramatic.
0:11:54.13 - 0:11:55.71You want me to do what about what?
0:11:55.79 - 0:11:57.92-[Myc] Overreaction alert.
-Can you hold on?
0:12:04.63 - 0:12:05.46[Brett giggles]
0:12:05.96 - 0:12:06.79-[grunts]
-[groans]
0:12:08.25 - 0:12:09.29What's going on?
0:12:09.38 - 0:12:13.08How bad is it on a scale from Inception
to Interstellar to…
0:12:13.17 - 0:12:14.63[shudders] …Tenet?
0:12:14.71 - 0:12:15.83Well, actually, he's…
0:12:17.29 - 0:12:19.54Oh my God. No!
0:12:19.63 - 0:12:21.42Andre is dickless!
0:12:21.50 - 0:12:22.46[all] What?
0:12:22.54 - 0:12:26.75Yeah, in this reality he got his dick
stuck in a pretzel maker.
0:12:26.83 - 0:12:30.00Just wetzeled the thing into a… a knot.
0:12:30.08 - 0:12:31.71And he became a Scientologist.
0:12:31.79 - 0:12:33.13That's disgusting!
0:12:33.21 - 0:12:34.58The thing about his dick too.
0:12:34.67 - 0:12:37.00[Myc] Are you sure? Let me see that thing.
0:12:37.08 - 0:12:39.29Guys, we have to focus on the mission.
0:12:39.88 - 0:12:41.21For Andre's dick.
0:12:41.29 - 0:12:42.46For Andre's dick.
0:12:42.54 - 0:12:45.08-[electricity crackles]
-Anomaly incoming! Brace yourselves!
0:12:45.17 - 0:12:47.17[suspenseful music plays]
0:12:55.71 - 0:12:57.21[chokes]
0:12:57.71 - 0:13:00.58Oh God, President Reagan is dead!
0:13:01.50 - 0:13:05.29Well, I guess if no one's gonna tell me
to tear this thing down,
0:13:05.38 - 0:13:07.79uh, let's… extend it?
0:13:07.88 - 0:13:09.63[cheering]
0:13:18.54 - 0:13:19.67[all yell]
0:13:21.71 - 0:13:23.00[J.R.] What the hell was that?
0:13:26.96 - 0:13:29.92In this timeline, Russia won the Cold War.
0:13:30.00 - 0:13:33.08Also, Paul Giamatti is a sex symbol
for some reason.
0:13:33.17 - 0:13:34.25This is an outrage!
0:13:34.33 - 0:13:37.79Those Russkies will never take me alive.
Suicide pact! Who's in?
0:13:37.88 - 0:13:39.63It's not worth it! No!
0:13:39.71 - 0:13:41.83So, we're owned by Russia now.
0:13:41.92 - 0:13:44.13How dystopian could
these timeline glitches get?
0:13:44.63 - 0:13:45.75[electricity crackles]
0:13:47.33 - 0:13:48.50[all scream]
0:13:48.58 - 0:13:50.21[dinosaur roars]
0:13:50.29 - 0:13:52.67Also, dinosaurs never went extinct.
0:13:52.75 - 0:13:54.13Goddamn it, Rand!
0:13:55.17 - 0:13:59.38"Shamuzaamskisaurus:
Dinosaur Stalin Whale Genie."
0:13:59.46 - 0:14:05.63Ridiculous! The gang's favorite movie
is Shazaam starring Sinbad.
0:14:05.71 - 0:14:08.13"Kuh, kuh!" Kazaam, fuck!
0:14:08.21 - 0:14:10.21There, there, you're safe now.
0:14:10.29 - 0:14:13.21[Myc] I'm starting to hit my limit
on wacky, sci-fi bullshit.
0:14:13.29 - 0:14:15.58This mission better be worth it.
0:14:19.00 - 0:14:21.75Fellas, I'm sensing
a classic Reagan screw job.
0:14:21.83 - 0:14:26.04I just saw Andre's face on a billboard
and his dick looked fine.
0:14:26.13 - 0:14:30.08What?! If anybody's gonna be famous
in this timeline, it better be me.
0:14:30.17 - 0:14:31.50[tense music plays]
0:14:37.04 - 0:14:39.58[all scream]
0:14:40.46 - 0:14:42.96Oh, damn it! I knew we should have
taken the UFO.
0:14:43.04 - 0:14:44.29We have a UFO?
0:14:44.38 - 0:14:47.75Yeah, but it's always crashing.
Cheap-ass Roswell labor.
0:14:47.83 - 0:14:50.67Brett, when this is all over,
you can fly the UFO.
0:14:50.75 - 0:14:51.75-Okay?
-[Brett gasps]
0:14:51.83 - 0:14:52.83I'll fix the flat.
0:14:57.17 - 0:14:58.42[electricity crackles]
0:15:05.88 - 0:15:06.71[sighs]
0:15:10.00 - 0:15:14.92Hold on, Ron. I'll fix this reality.
Just… Just don't go anywhere.
0:15:16.25 - 0:15:18.00[Myc] He's a fucking millionaire?
0:15:18.08 - 0:15:19.83-Oh, shit.
-[Alpha-Beta] No, no, no!
0:15:19.92 - 0:15:21.42I didn't want to show them, Reagan.
0:15:21.50 - 0:15:23.50Glenn keeps fiddling
with my tummy antenna.
0:15:23.58 - 0:15:26.29You weren't gonna tell us
that Andre is a millionaire?
0:15:26.38 - 0:15:29.67[Myc] And he got a horse penis transplant
and his dick is better than ever?
0:15:29.75 - 0:15:32.67Maybe Rand's changes
are actually good for the world.
0:15:32.75 - 0:15:35.54I want to know what Universe 1G
has in store for Gigi!
0:15:35.63 - 0:15:39.13Guys, guys, let's all calm down.
It's what Shazaam would want.
0:15:39.21 - 0:15:42.29I lied because I knew you would
get distracted by your own interests
0:15:42.38 - 0:15:43.96and bail on me again.
0:15:44.04 - 0:15:46.33You think I forgot what happened
when my dad took over?
0:15:47.79 - 0:15:48.96What's going on?
0:15:49.04 - 0:15:51.21[Myc] I want to see my alternate timeline.
0:15:51.29 - 0:15:53.38Come here, you glorified Etch A Sketch!
0:15:55.33 - 0:15:58.42[female mushroom] Myc, I never thought
it would happen, but you did it.
0:15:58.50 - 0:15:59.46You're pregnant!
0:15:59.54 - 0:16:01.17[cheering]
0:16:01.25 - 0:16:04.83[Myc] Sweet shiitake, I have spores!
I'm gonna be a mother!
0:16:04.92 - 0:16:06.00Give me that!
0:16:12.04 - 0:16:13.29Glenn Dolphman!
0:16:13.79 - 0:16:15.46Gimme some sugar, Dolores.
0:16:16.54 - 0:16:20.25You mean there's a timeline
where I didn't get the dolphin surgery
0:16:20.33 - 0:16:21.83and Dolores never left me?
0:16:21.92 - 0:16:24.04Goddamn, I miss my fingers!
0:16:24.13 - 0:16:26.63You know how hard it is to jack off
with fish webs?
0:16:26.71 - 0:16:27.67[Reagan] Gigi, please!
0:16:28.63 - 0:16:34.21Just a normal day
as queen of the fucking Illuminati!
0:16:34.29 - 0:16:37.25Lin-Manuel, start rapping
about how much you suck.
0:16:37.33 - 0:16:38.96Yes, Queen.
0:16:46.92 - 0:16:49.63[Myc] My God, in this timeline,
none of us work for Cognito
0:16:49.71 - 0:16:52.29and every one of us
lived our goddamn dream lives.
0:16:52.38 - 0:16:53.79[Reagan] Don't you understand?
0:16:53.88 - 0:16:57.75Those are just temporary false realities.
We have to get back to the real one!
0:16:57.83 - 0:16:58.67[Myc] I get it.
0:16:58.75 - 0:17:00.67You want to keep the timeline
from changing
0:17:00.75 - 0:17:03.71because you finally found a boyfriend.
0:17:03.79 - 0:17:05.08What? No!
0:17:05.17 - 0:17:07.58Well, maybe some of us
are sick of our realities
0:17:07.67 - 0:17:08.96and we'd like better ones.
0:17:09.04 - 0:17:12.92[Myc] All I know is, I'm ready
for the joys of motherhood! Myc out!
0:17:13.75 - 0:17:17.17I hereby honorably discharge myself.
0:17:19.00 - 0:17:20.08Wait, Gigi--
0:17:20.17 - 0:17:23.17Look, this is something
I've wanted my whole life, Reagan.
0:17:23.25 - 0:17:25.08I… I have to take this chance.
0:17:25.58 - 0:17:28.42Gigi's Louboutin has a home
in Lin-Manuel's ass.
0:17:32.13 - 0:17:33.71Now wait a goddamn second.
0:17:33.79 - 0:17:37.58You're telling me everyone on the team
got positive timelines except us?
0:17:37.67 - 0:17:40.25What in the reverse
white privilege shit is that?
0:17:40.33 - 0:17:42.67J.R., in front of you! Look out!
0:17:42.75 - 0:17:44.38[all yell]
0:17:44.46 - 0:17:46.25[dramatic music plays]
0:17:47.96 - 0:17:49.67[all cough]
0:17:52.13 - 0:17:54.08[electricity crackles]
0:17:55.38 - 0:17:58.71Reagan, I'll tend to J.R.
You complete the mission.
0:17:58.79 - 0:18:01.50Thanks, AB.
You've been a real team player today.
0:18:01.58 - 0:18:04.04It was nice to finally have a team.
0:18:06.04 - 0:18:09.33Wait, you had those the whole time?
I'm literally missing an arm.
0:18:09.42 - 0:18:11.50Again, such a good job today.
0:18:11.58 - 0:18:12.79[dramatic music plays]
0:18:12.88 - 0:18:16.42[Reagan] Leave it to my dad
to destroy reality
0:18:16.50 - 0:18:18.92just to keep his fucking job!
0:18:19.00 - 0:18:19.92[Reagan grunts]
0:18:21.96 - 0:18:22.79[Reagan gasps]
0:18:26.42 - 0:18:27.25[Reagan yells]
0:18:28.04 - 0:18:31.13This is crazy. It's like we're walking
through some kind of blizzard.
0:18:31.21 - 0:18:32.71[gasps] A reality blizzard.
0:18:32.79 - 0:18:36.00Note to self, pitch show
called Reality Blizzard to Amazon.
0:18:36.08 - 0:18:38.88Nolan can co-EP, but not show run.
He'll be too controlling.
0:18:38.96 - 0:18:42.54Brett, focus. Now is not the time
to coin new sci-fi shit.
0:18:42.63 - 0:18:45.75The time anomalies are reaching
maximum impossibility limit factor.
0:18:45.83 - 0:18:46.67You have to hurry!
0:18:46.75 - 0:18:48.75[dramatic music plays]
0:18:51.63 - 0:18:54.42The final showdown, us versus your dad.
0:18:54.50 - 0:18:56.83You think he's got it booby-trapped?
What's wrong?
0:18:56.92 - 0:18:58.92[melancholy music plays]
0:19:01.67 - 0:19:03.92[Reagan] Thanks for sticking by me
when no one else did.
0:19:05.50 - 0:19:07.58A good leader wouldn't drag
their best friend
0:19:07.67 - 0:19:09.25into their dad's bullshit.
0:19:09.33 - 0:19:11.96I don't know if we'll ever get back
to our realities,
0:19:12.04 - 0:19:14.63but I've seen yours and it looks good.
0:19:14.71 - 0:19:16.38If I succeed, I'll see you again.
0:19:16.46 - 0:19:18.96But if not, good luck, Brett.
0:19:20.38 - 0:19:21.21But…
0:19:27.42 - 0:19:28.83[dramatic music plays]
0:19:29.79 - 0:19:33.00All right, asshole!
You've messed with my life long enough!
0:19:35.21 - 0:19:36.33[dramatic music fades]
0:19:37.96 - 0:19:40.00[melancholy music plays]
0:19:40.08 - 0:19:41.83[Rand] No, that's not it.
0:19:42.88 - 0:19:43.83I want to just…
0:19:48.29 - 0:19:49.13What?
0:19:49.79 - 0:19:50.63[sighs]
0:19:53.21 - 0:19:57.25Dad, are all these bottles
half full of whiskey or… pee?
0:19:57.33 - 0:19:59.46Oh, I lost track days ago.
0:19:59.54 - 0:20:04.04I thought that you were trying to get
revenge on the Robes for firing you.
0:20:04.54 - 0:20:05.88Why are you doing this?
0:20:06.63 - 0:20:08.29That's how many times.
0:20:08.38 - 0:20:11.08That's how many times
I tried to get you both back.
0:20:11.17 - 0:20:14.13You and your mother.
Into the same timeline.
0:20:14.21 - 0:20:15.75But it never works, Reagan.
0:20:15.83 - 0:20:19.46No matter how many times I try,
you both hate me.
0:20:20.17 - 0:20:22.63You did all this just to get us back?
0:20:22.71 - 0:20:23.92I had everything.
0:20:24.58 - 0:20:27.46I had my job, I had power.
0:20:27.54 - 0:20:29.96I know it's a fucking cliché,
but it's true.
0:20:30.04 - 0:20:32.75You don't know what matters most
until you lose it.
0:20:33.92 - 0:20:37.25Please, help me fix it.
Help me get her here.
0:20:37.33 - 0:20:39.46Dad, this was never gonna work.
0:20:39.54 - 0:20:41.63You can't just hit a button over and over
0:20:41.71 - 0:20:44.88and expect a relationship
to go back to the way it was.
0:20:47.88 - 0:20:50.71And I know that it is scary
to give up control.
0:20:50.79 - 0:20:52.71You don't have to do it alone.
0:20:52.79 - 0:20:54.75Let's shut this thing down together.
0:20:54.83 - 0:20:56.33[Rand sighs]
0:20:56.42 - 0:20:58.67Guess our shit timeline's
better than nothing.
0:20:59.42 - 0:21:00.71Let's pack it in, kiddo.
0:21:01.21 - 0:21:02.46[gentle music plays]
0:21:06.42 - 0:21:07.38-Agh!
-[Rand gasps]
0:21:07.46 - 0:21:10.50-Reagan!
-[Reagan groans]
0:21:10.58 - 0:21:13.17So there you are, partner.
0:21:13.83 - 0:21:16.50Look at you.
You're enjoying this, aren't you?
0:21:16.58 - 0:21:19.33What? How do I look
like I'm enjoying anything?
0:21:19.42 - 0:21:20.92You see these pee jars?
0:21:21.00 - 0:21:23.50All year, you've put me through hell,
0:21:23.58 - 0:21:27.79and then you went and gave everyone else
on the team their dream timeline
0:21:27.88 - 0:21:30.96after I propped your drunk ass up
your whole career?
0:21:31.04 - 0:21:31.88Oh, please.
0:21:31.96 - 0:21:35.71Without me, you'd be another rich brat
working in the non-shadow government.
0:21:35.79 - 0:21:39.71I've been taking your advice my whole life
and look what I have to show for it.
0:21:39.79 - 0:21:43.29I'm gonna get what's coming to me.
The money, the house, the car!
0:21:43.38 - 0:21:46.58And I'm finally gonna get
my humorous essays published
0:21:46.67 - 0:21:48.54in the goddamn Harvard Lampoon!
0:21:48.63 - 0:21:51.50J.R.! The machine,
it's totally unpredictable.
0:21:51.58 - 0:21:53.83Press that button,
you could end up in hell.
0:21:53.92 - 0:21:56.29I'm willing to take that chance.
0:21:56.38 - 0:21:58.25[dramatic music plays]
0:21:58.33 - 0:21:59.17[both grunt]
0:21:59.25 - 0:22:01.50J.R., you are going
to destroy the universe!
0:22:01.58 - 0:22:03.92[dramatic music continues]
0:22:10.21 - 0:22:11.58No!
0:22:11.67 - 0:22:14.50I was finally gonna get an infinity pool!
0:22:16.08 - 0:22:17.13Wait, is that…?
0:22:23.96 - 0:22:25.79Brett! You came back!
0:22:25.88 - 0:22:28.33But how did you remember this reality?
0:22:28.42 - 0:22:30.17I made notes on my poster,
0:22:30.25 - 0:22:32.54and then that helped me remember
that we had this!
0:22:32.63 - 0:22:34.58Oh, a poster.
0:22:34.67 - 0:22:38.17I tattooed my whole body
with liquid tinfoil for nothing.
0:22:38.25 - 0:22:40.63Plus, we got to take the flying saucer.
0:22:40.71 - 0:22:42.42Wait, what do you mean "we"?
0:22:42.50 - 0:22:44.50[uplifting music plays]
0:22:46.42 - 0:22:48.25Guys, but why?
0:22:48.33 - 0:22:49.88[Myc] We got to our alternate timelines,
0:22:49.96 - 0:22:52.04but the more your dad
kept pressing that button,
0:22:52.13 - 0:22:53.63the more they all went to shit.
0:22:53.71 - 0:22:57.13Turns out I wasn't pregnant.
I just had way too much Del Taco.
0:22:57.21 - 0:22:58.33I've been there.
0:22:58.42 - 0:23:01.79And I almost bent the knee
to the goddamn Russkies.
0:23:02.33 - 0:23:04.75I serve only you, President Putin.
0:23:05.25 - 0:23:07.96Wait a second. What the heck am I saying?
0:23:08.04 - 0:23:09.25Better dead than red!
0:23:13.46 - 0:23:15.96Thank you, convenient alien spaceship.
[grunts]
0:23:16.75 - 0:23:18.75And I got tired of having a horse penis.
0:23:19.63 - 0:23:22.75Okay, hear me out, what if I surgically
gave you a horse vagina?
0:23:22.83 - 0:23:26.38Where are you going,
my wife Scarlett Johansson?
0:23:27.96 - 0:23:31.96I had to run the Illuminati's
Disney Channel division, Reagan.
0:23:32.04 - 0:23:33.54Doc McStuffins?
0:23:33.63 - 0:23:36.58More like Doc McStuffed
with satanic messages!
0:23:41.88 - 0:23:44.50And I was the world's
preeminent puppeteer.
0:23:44.58 - 0:23:46.17But that world is so catty.
0:23:46.88 - 0:23:48.67Your stitching is…
0:23:48.75 - 0:23:50.50[sighs] …fine.
0:23:51.17 - 0:23:53.71You said something nice, but it felt mean.
0:23:54.75 - 0:23:57.42So we rebooted our memories
and now we're here.
0:23:57.50 - 0:23:58.96Glad to have you back, guys.
0:23:59.04 - 0:23:59.88Glad to be back.
-Me too!
-Amen.
0:24:00.88 - 0:24:03.92[Myc] I'll admit,
I'm finally starting to like you guys.
0:24:09.92 - 0:24:12.88Alpha-Beta's memory drive should let us
restore the timeline
0:24:19.29 - 0:24:20.42Okay. Now.
0:24:23.42 - 0:24:25.00-Yes!
-[Myc laughs]
0:24:25.08 - 0:24:28.71Wait, to when you reprogrammed him?
So that means…
0:24:28.79 - 0:24:29.63SHAZAAM - SINBAD
0:24:29.71 - 0:24:32.96Great. Well, now my back tattoo
makes no sense.
0:24:34.58 - 0:24:36.29Hey! Where are you taking us?
0:24:36.38 - 0:24:38.38And what does this mean for my internship?
0:24:38.46 - 0:24:41.04You're both going
in front of the Robes for sentencing.
0:24:41.13 - 0:24:44.21I better not wind up sharing a cell
with that asshole again.
0:24:44.29 - 0:24:45.71College was enough.
0:24:45.79 - 0:24:51.25Dad, maybe going to Shadow Prison X is
the best way to protect you from yourself.
0:24:52.00 - 0:24:54.38I spent my whole life
thinking you were a hero or a villain,
0:24:54.46 - 0:24:57.08but you're not. You're just… my dad.
0:24:57.17 - 0:24:58.17A screw-up.
0:24:58.71 - 0:25:01.17Well, I think interventions are bullshit.
0:25:01.25 - 0:25:04.71But in this case, you might be right.
0:25:04.79 - 0:25:05.83I might be what now?
0:25:05.92 - 0:25:08.17You're right, okay?
0:25:08.25 - 0:25:10.54I'm sorry for everything, kiddo.
0:25:10.63 - 0:25:14.29When you run Cognito,
just do things better than I did.
0:25:15.54 - 0:25:16.92[gentle music plays]
0:25:27.46 - 0:25:29.96[gentle music fades]